I feel the coldness in my heart
I wish that you could be with me
I wish you could heal my deepest pain
And take me away from all my fears
But i'm trapped in my world of doubts
I'm not free to follow you
I know you would give everything you got
And you would handle me with care

I will never forget the moment when you looked into my eyes
When i touched your skin for the first time, i felt heaven in my hands
So i tried to close my eyes
And i'm dreaming me away
In my dreams you hold me tight
In my dreams you're always here
I never want to wake up again
Don't want to face reality
Once so far away from me
But you will always be in my dreams

In my dreams
In my dreams

 

It's been a while since I've posted on here.

After having an ass-load of fun Saturday Night at The Castle for Sunny's farewell, I can't help but feel bad. Why? Because then it's time to get back to reality when it's all done. The mundane reality that has kept me in a shit mood for almost 5 years now. Lets start with the basics as to why I am currently unhappy with life.

For the past 3 or 4 years I have been working on a little thing called Synthetic Solution. And for the past 3 or 4 years, I have been hearing the exact same shit over and over from people who claim they are going to help me move this to the next level and don't deliver. Because I do not have the means and cannot afford to do this myself. Look how long it took for me to put vocals on my damn music. It's psychotically frustrating to watch groups progress from nothing and get the live acts and E.P.s while I sit in the same room working on FL Studio. At times, I sit and debate whether I should just pull the plug on the whole project due to the whole B.S. of people just seemingly turning their noses up at me and my music.

Then comes the more personal aspect of my life. After going to Ybor City and having a blast, I get to return home to nothing. By nothing, I mean in a romantic aspect. I have been single for the past five years and every time I have an attraction that I believe could mean something, the odd twist of fate comes to ruin it every time. It drives me fucking nuts that what I want will always be out of reach. It's gotten to the point that I avoid going out because I can't stand watching other people be happy. One of the main reasons I don't go to Ibar, other than the fact that the place has gone down the shitter. Which reminds me, it's almost Tuesday and Wednesday so that means I get to watch and hear about, regardless how I try to ignore, my room-mate's relationship. Apparently the words 'I don't fucking care' mean nothing and I still get the talking. It's cruel to say that to a friend, but then again, tormenting them with the fact that you have something they don't have is much worse.

But then I get the shit of, 'It's so easy to just go up and talk to someone', 'Just go up and talk to someone'. Here's why. And this goes back to when I was 10 or 11 years old. After my Dad died, I had no one as a father figure that I was comfortable enough to go and talk to about shit like this. And the asstwat my Mother married was no help at all. He's a large reason as to why my self-esteem was at the level it was. After my Dad's death, doctors and shirnks all had the belief that instead of talking about it, shove pills down the kid's throat. And he was just the same. So basically I had no one to turn to and in turn I have little or no confidence in myself so many years later which makes it fucking hard for me. Then the girls I did manage to go out with, apart from Renee, only sought to further their own agenda and do what they wanted even if it meant tearing me apart in the end. Nothing was a simple mutual break up. One came as a cheat and the other was a note left on my couch.

I am tired of seeing what I want and not having the means to get it. Or having something unforeseen fuck up the means of getting it. Something must always fuck up that glimmer of hope and keep me in a shit mood even longer. Some may look at this as perhaps I'm close to committing suicide, but rest assured that I won't. A: I don't possess the means. B: I don't believe in it. I see it as the ulimate means of drawing attention to yourself and a lame excuse to escape. But don't expect me to be all bright and chipper. Depending on where I go, it's merely an act. In the end, I always return home and to reality.

Interesting how things seem to go full circle
In about a month I will be moving from the trailer in Orlando, my own private solitude, and will ironically move back in with my Mom at her house now. No I'm not really proud of the fact I am 24 years old and moving back in with her but many factors influenced this inevitable decision. Due to the poor economy, she was strapped on paying all the bills on her own and had been asking me to move in for quite some time now, ultimately getting 'No' each time. But now things seem to have changed.

I don't really like my current living situation, being in the middle of nowhere in a half-using the term loosely-completed trailer 30 - 45 minutes away from virtually everything that mattered to me eventually wore at me to the point I could tolerate no more. To avoid turning things into a mentally toxic situation, I took myself out of the equation

The decision to jump was not easy though all the variables were there to make it not exactly hard, if that makes any sense. If there is any plus to me moving back in with my mother, it would be that she had divorced that ego-maniacal pile of shit years ago, those who know me on a more personal level had met this pathetic excuse of human excriment at one time or another. So I don't have to deal with his idodic, cro-magnon logic. I will be back in Longwood in a house that I have always been at peace at. The majority of my friends and family are in the close general area so for that I am looking forward to that.

On the other hand, I don't really like the decision to move. My private solitude is virtually out the window and I didn't want to make things seem like I was trying to screw Andy over. It was one way or the other and I thing a different path may help things for me later in the long run.

For those who have enjoyed and looked forward to my Synthetic Solution project need not worry. I will still be in construction of my music. If anything writing lyrics. I have decided to make that a project for the side though, I want to get into a group to help my learning experience in music. Going solo is a massive pain in the ass, so I will always keep a watchful eye out on that

I'm not quite sure how I feel about the decision I have made, I don't feel terrible, nor good......almost neutral about the situation, I don't really know why though. Perhaps things were inevitablely going to change at some point or another. The choice to change is never an easy one but it is something we all must make at some point in our lives

This is a new dawn





Blutengel: A New Dawn

I'm driving on an endless road
Searching for my future
I leave my home, I leave my past
Just to search for something new
I escape from the world of sadness
try to become a better man
Feel like a soldier in a useless war; trying to survive

I want to reach a new horizon
I want to try to touch the sky.
don't want to turn back anymore
I leave my memories behind

Like a phoenix from the ashes
My life will shine, again
I'm burning down my past; I was solitary man

I am waiting for a new dawn, but tomorrow never comes
I waste my years, I waste my future
I am trapped inside this time


 

With time to myself, comes a lot of time to think and reflect on certain matters. I got to spend time with someone I care greatly about and though I don't like current events, I enjoy the moments shared. Kept in my memory to warm the....cockles...-cue helpless snickering-.of my heart. Part of me tried to resume that old bitterness that I once knew and grown comfortable with but I don't see the reason. I went into a situation the risks way too well, not expecting anything to come of it. If anything it might've simply strengthened a friendship between us. I still look at things with an untrusting eye with certain people because I was once 20 years old and completely clueless. I do care about Cathy, regardless of how hard I once tried to fight it in the past, but when I spent time with her, I began to question, why hold a grudge from so long ago? I don't care how people view me or my decisions, I do what I want to do based on how I feel and the past few nights I have actually been at peace with myself. So she decided to keep going with her current relationship. Ok. As much as I don't like it, I'll honor it. I can't and won't do anything to change her mind because people should do what they believe is right and not what outside parties believe. Which is why I did what I did. I was in a win-win situation. If something grows from our friendship in the future, cool. I defied the odds placed down by people who said I can't and shouldn't. Otherwise I'll remain her friend which is a plus as well. We both have grown up over the past few years. I can't deny how I feel and I won't try to convince myself otherwise, I won't try to convince others to understand or force them to see my point of view. I've grown up since then, I was afraid of absolutely nothing other than fears spawned by my own imagination.

If none of this makes sense or seems.."Hokey" don't worry, I'm typing in the spur of the moment, jotting down bits and pieces of what my mind throws out onto the keyboard. I have my entire life ahead of me. My music, my career...if the job markets improve. I do hope to experience a stable relationship this year. And those will be my resolutions for the year. My music, my job, and my life. Fuck the media-driven hopes and dreams of the common public. I am my own person, unique and  unwilling to bend to the design of others. Some define it as a flaw, I look at it as a strength. Today I pined, pissed and moaned depressively to myself because a part of me didn't get what I wanted. But in the end...and for some reason VERY LATE AT O-FUCK-THIRTY AT NIGHT, after I got off the phone with Cathy, I realized I have some of the things I currently want. I do have friends who care for me, despite their own flaws, I care for them. 2009 will be a very interesting year indeed. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me. BRING IT ON!!!! -tightens straps on boots-

BTW.......


Does anyone actually read this shit?????


o.O

Please let me know.....I want input

And now to sleep cuz I got work in the morning.....FUCK IT'S COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how I feel...or how I am supposed to feel for that matter. There is frustration, perhaps. I guess a part of me did want something more to happen. Yes I am being vague purposely, I want to express my mind without revealing why. I don't feel like getting lectured like a child by certain people again. I went into this experience expecting nothing, but couldn't help but being somewhat attatched. I rarely feel comfortable around other people, which is why I am rarely in a relationship.

Though I guess the main reason I am frustrated is that I witnessed someone using guilt to get what they want so now I fear for the other half. Part of me feels like wondering who I pissed off in a past life to have happy moments end in the negative. If Karma truly exists IT CAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Whatever lessons I was supposed to learn or whatever penalty I had to pay, I'm sure I've paid enough to pay for the future of my children and so on.

Thinking on it in more appropriate detail, I think that is why I moved way out here near Bithlo. I wanted the isolation. But with it comes a sort of depression I've all but tried to forget. I've seen the extent of my anger and I hate that side of me. But I have spent my entire life following what my heart wants instead of the needs of others. My music, my lifestyle, my career path and who I wish to be with. Though it seems like everything seems to just collapse on itself because right when it seems like things are taking off for the better, it fucking implodes and I have to start from the beginning all over again. I'd like stability in the slightest form somehow.

I'm just growing tired of the stress and drama from everything in life and I wish I could just pack up and go somewhere far away for a while. Alaska was always a goal of mine. But that was for the nature aspect in contrast to the isolation. But now I don't know what I want. Every now and again, I sense that old feeling that some friends are still holding old grudges against me. And that is not fair.

This is all from my mind and how I feel at the current moment. Some people won't try to understand and nor will I force people to. Take things as they are and enjoy life in the moment. Aiming long-term never lasts